Insomnia: SOLSC #21

I am not awake by choice but I finally just gave up.  My mind demands attention and so I’m writing a slice to keep the peace.

It’s darkness all  around me with just the light of my trusty computer screen and the TV to my left that always offers me the sound of human voices and the news for this new day opening the outside world to me, in the background.

I am thinking about my friend Eileen who is probably not thinking about this world anymore.  I wish I could know what she is thinking about. I wonder,  will I see her again?Do I want to see her again?

It was good to be with Tuvia’s grandchildren last night: Mihael(7)playing  his guitar for us, annoyed that I didn’t bring mine along. Mia, at 5 proud to be learning how to read and sharing her new books with us, reading extra loud to make sure we give her all our attention.  I want to!

But back in the car, in the darkness, we are quiet.  Every so often, Tuvia  reaches over for my hand, just to remind me he is with me through this ready to explain what’s happening, the way Mihael might explain the intricacies of his guitar to Tuvia.  I’m not sure I need to know the medical details but even being a patient at Sloan Kettering,  Eileen and Andy were happy to have Tuvia explain in non-medical language, what they needed to know.

I’m so glad I could offer him.  I feel helpless.

We make plans for the next few weeks cautiously.  I stop debating a trip to DC for the National Writing Project to attend our annual conference next week. I know I won’t be going now.

Eileen and Andy and the family are preparing for the end with the support of Hospice.

Hospice.  I don’t remember now when I first learned what that was.  Over the past year, I’ve come to know it well.

Eileen is a hard friend to lose.

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Categories: SOLSC 2012 | Tags: | 14 Comments

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14 thoughts on “Insomnia: SOLSC #21

  1. It is clear that you needed to write to help clarify your intense feelings. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers – it’s about all any of us can do from a distance.

  2. I’m sorry, Bonnie. It sounds like a tough time ahead for you and there is that helplessness that comes in such situations. Hang in there. Find the moments that can ground you. Try to calm the thoughts in your head. None of that is easy, I know.
    Take care of yourself
    Kevin

  3. I’ m thinking of you Bonnie…we are blessed to have people in our lives we treasure, blessed to have known the pleasure of their company and blessed to have had our lives enriched by their presence in it. Nothing can take the power and knowledge of that away. But, in the midst of your sorrow, you have the blessing too of Micael, Mia, Tuvia and so many others…it seems like yesterday was a day of bookends – getting ready to say goodbye, and being in the moment with the young. I second Kevin – take care of yourself….

  4. It is so hard to lose a friend. Hospice is a blessing for those in need, but it doesn’t take the pain away from deep inside. You are in my prayers.

  5. wkb57

    Bonnie,
    You seem to have the tools you need to cope with this great loss…your words, Tuvia, grandchildren to distract you from the pain. What a sobering piece. I am sure you know your friend will always be with you in your memories and in the words you pen about her.

  6. I’m sorry that your friend is dying, Bonnie. You said you were mixed up as to whether you wanted to see her again. For me, when I had to face this kind of loss through Hospice sometimes, I felt that several visits were important so I could say goodbye in stages. I’m sharing that because it may be a new idea to you & I’d like you to have it, but you do get to choose what you want to do. My prayers and thoughts go to you!

  7. Your words are deeply touching- “I am thinking of my friend who is probably not thinking about this world.” Prayers are with you both.

  8. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, Bonnie. I hope she is able to be comfortable, at least. Sending prayers for her, and for you too. I know this is a hard time. I’ll be sorry to not see you in D.C. Take care.

  9. Lisa

    Times like this help to put everything else in the proper perspective. Family and friends first.

  10. I’m so sorry, Bonnie. Your last line captures the whole piece so perfecto…

  11. Thanks Everyone for your support!

  12. Oh, Bonnie. A friend is dear indeed. I’m so sorry.

  13. Paul

    A series of emotional posts. Came back to this one to just let you know that you’ve created words of beauty in a time of difficulty. Sentences that stay in the heart because of what they’ve captured. Best thoughts and wishes–

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